Tag Archives: pizza

The Week in Tweets – August 5, 2016

Hooray for Friday! Here’s my itinerary for the weekend:

Friday – beer and pizza

Saturday – pizza and beer

Sunday – leftover pizza and whatever’s left of the beer

Now that’s my kinda weekend! But before we get to that, let’s run through an all-new, all-different Week in Tweets!!

6 – tie) Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47)

You can’t claim to be a pizza lover until you eat the box cheese.

Nope Jessie (@jessienope)

omg i tried to dip mcnuggets while driving & almost died, i couldve ended up like that cyclist i clipped

Remember three years ago when Detroit Lions WR Nate Burleson broke his arm in a car crash when he took his hands off the wheel to save a pizza from sliding off of his passenger seat. Stories like that put everything into perspective. I mean, imagine if he wasn’t able stop the pizza? How horrible would that have been? #NeverForget

5) Beulah Maud Devaney (@TheNotoriousBMD)

*writes “move location from bed to sofa” on to-do list*

*marks it as done*

*pats self on back*

Number one on my to-do list every day is *wake-up*. Number two is *number two*.

4) aly (@WElRDAL)

I need potatoes in my life

I believe that it was the great Leonardo da Vinci who said “A life without potatoes is no life at all.”

3) cash hew (@CashewSpell)

I am farting all over this target I’M SORRY TARGET

Though farting while shopping is frowned upon in Target, it’s actually mandated at Walmart.

2) Nope Jessie (@jessienope)

my yard brings all the boys to the yard & they’re like “thats a really nice yard” damn right thats a really nice yard i could mow it but nah

Mowing the lawn really sucks. At least that’s what I assume since I pay someone to mow mine for me…

1) leahbron james (@wellthatblowes)

when all else fails, buy a block of muenster and hope for the best

Muenster is not only one of my most favorite cheeses to eat, but I also love the name because it reminds me of the Munsters television show. Below is a list of my other top-ranked cheese names, along with the ones I think are the worst.

Best Cheese Names
Affineur Walo Le Gruyère
Moot-zah-rell (or mozzarella for you non-pisans.)
Muenster
Brimstone (this cheese sounds tasty as hell!)
Formagella
Cornish Smuggler
Cameo (word up!)
Baronerosso di Capra (sounds like the name of female mafia boss.)
Etzy Ketzy
Gouda

Worst Cheese Names
Brick (how f*cking noncreative is this name?!)
Rollot
Sonoma Jack (I think I once ate at a crappy restaurant named Sonoma Jack during a layover at LAX.)
Lil Moo
Baron Bigod (this sounds like the name of some lame-ass DC Comics supervillain.)
Blue Vein
Carrot Rebel
Lemon Fetish (do not Google this one at work.)
Edith
Goat Log (sounds like a euphemism for a seriously large piece of poop; used here in an example tweet “sh*t for the 1st time all week and stuffed the toilet with the biggest turd ever! #GOATLOG”)

Below is a picture of Rachel and Oscar settling down for their 14th nap of the day. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

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The Week in Tweets – July 29, 2016

It’s Friday! Let’s get on to an all-new Week in Tweets before we blink ours eyes and it’s time to go back to work!

5) courtney (@CourtneySanto)

Could someone please tell me why the Thong Song is in my head????

Maybe it’s because you like to dance on the hip-hop spots and cruise to the groove like connect the dots?

4) Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz)

If I say “I’m pretty,” it’s not narcissism. I just haven’t quite finished a sentence that will eventually end with “tired.”

I’m pretty…narcissistic.

3 – tie) katrina (@ohhkatrina)

there have got to be more alternate spellings of “Caitlyn” than any other name in the world. I can’t keep up.

Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass)

You can tell a lot about a person by the name they choose for their baby.

My wife is expecting a baby girl in November and we’ve narrowed it down to four choices – Rose, Dorothy, Sophia or Blanche…

2) WendyDarling (@wendchymes)

I’m gonna open a gym in my home for millennials and charge them to do fitness challenges like-

Swiffer the stairs or empty the dishwasher.

You should also make them pay you to wax your car and paint your house and call it a karate class!

2) Damien Owens (@OwensDamien)

I hear you, Sanders supporters who plan to vote Trump. One time I asked for Coke but they only had Pepsi, so I set fire to my head.

I think that’s what happened to Michael Jackson back in ’84…

1) Hitmonjake (@jake_likes_naps)

*describes my ideal pizza on my dating profiles About Me section*

I also wrote “large pepperoni” in my Match.com About Section but I wasn’t talking ‘bout pizza!!

Below is a Prisma-filtered pic of Oscar and Rachel snuggling. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

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The Week in Tweets – July 8, 2016

T.G.I. Friday!!! I’m rolling into the weekend fresh off a recent trip to Chicago for a family vacation. We had a good time, but as it is whenever you go on a trip with a toddler, it really wasn’t that relaxing of an experience.

As it turns out, going on a vacation with a kid in tow is kind of like getting a salad for dinner. Even if it has the freshest iceberg lettuce, creamiest blue cheese crumbles and most balsamic-est vinaigrette, it still isn’t a Crisp Braised Pork Shank, a Wing-O-Rito or Bang Bang Shrimp Tacos.

Regardless of the fact that my vacation days were less “wasting away in Margaritaville” and more “waking up at 7am to watch Paw Patrol”, we still had a lot of fun. I even found enough downtime to finish Daredevil Season 2, which I started watching wayyy back in March (#SpoilerAlert – Doctor Manhattan is behind everything!).

All right, enough complaining about my #FirstWorldProblems. Let’s get to an all-new, all-different Week in Tweets!

7) Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22)

If sitcoms in the 90’s taught me anything, it’s that a fat guy can marry a hot wife.

Or he can team-up with Jake to solve crimes!

6 – tie) Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective)

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom)

If there’s profession that involves pulling tampons out of a box and scattering them in a hallway, my toddler is going to make us rich.

I’m starting to think that my son is secretly bankrolled by Big Pharma. Whenever he needs a band-aid, he always rips open and discards at least thirty of them onto the bathroom floor before he finds one worthy enough to be applied to his boo-boo.

5) Ian Valentine (@IanValentine11)

I hope all of my teacher friends are having, and will continue to have, a terrible summer vacation.

I was talking to my sister (who’s a middle school principal) last week and she was going on and on about how the rainy weather has really been cutting into her pool days. I responded by telling her that I didn’t even know what the weather was like outside because I spend the majority of my daylight hours IN A WINDOWLESS CUBE FARM. The only things that I’ll be swimming in this summer are pivot tables so she’s definitely not getting any sympathy from me.

4) goose (@bryisms)

Think it’s a nap-in-the-shower kind of day

With what’s been going on in the world lately, it’s becoming a nap-in-the-shower year…

3) ♥ (@SMASEY)

Being fat has saved me from ever experiencing mono, STDs, or teen pregnancy.

The historically low levels of teenage pregnancy is the silver lining of America’s childhood obesity epidemic… #ThanksObama

2) beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien)

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

I would be extremely sad if I ordered a pizza and it showed up along with a dead pizza guy. But not so sad that I wouldn’t eat the pizza of course. I mean, I wouldn’t want his death to stand for nothing now would I?

1) gokitty (@goKitty)

Ate some sketchy burrata from the back of my refrigerator. Details to follow.

“Sketchy Burrata” has replaced Nacho Libre as my favorite name for a Mexican wrestler.

Below is a picture of Oscar and Rachel snuggling. Have a wonderful weekend everybody and please be safe out there!

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The Week in Tweets – May 15, 2016

Here’s a better-late-than-never installment of an all-new, all-different Week in Tweets!

5) Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12)

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

Much to my son’s delight, one of his friends from daycare happened to also be at the mall play area this past Friday night. He and my son proceeded to put on a hardcore display of wrestling not seen since the brutality of ECW in the late 2000s.

I was a little concerned at first, but the boys never resorted to any illegal moves (biting, eye-gouging, nut-punching), so the other parents and I never saw any reason to break it up. The boys absolutely loved it, and smiled from ear to ear after every DDT, One Handed Bulldog and People’s Elbow.

Part of me wished that I would have filmed it, but I wisely decided against it since most likely it would have ended up being used against me in a court of law. #BoysWillBeBoys

4) ortuist (@ortuist)

sometimes all it takes to feel better about yourself is a new haircut, a juice cleanse, daily meditation, years of psychoanalysis, a new body

I believe that it was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said “Nothing can bring you peace but pizza” and I strive to live by those words…

3) Candace (@rockcandy87)

I immediately regret eating mac n cheese

I immediately regret NOT eating mac n cheese!

2) Shannon Plush (@shannonplush)

I need to get married so he can take the dog I want on walks when it’s cold so I don’t have to. That’s what husbands do, right?

Yes! However, since my wife and I have cats instead of dogs, my husbandly doody duty is to scoop out the litter box. She used to share this responsibility, but stopped when she became pregnant four years ago due to the risk of toxoplasmosis. She also stopped grocery shopping, making the bed, cooking, vacuuming and cleaning out her hair from the shower drain but I’m not sure if that has anything to do with toxoplasmosis or not…

1) Eva (@evamariex387)

Surround yourself with pizza not negativity.

Now that’s something we can all agree on!

Below is a Rachel selfie. Have a wonderful Sunday everybody!

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The Week in Tweets – April 15, 2016

It’s Friday and you know what that means – it’s time for pinot noir, caviar, Myanmar and midsized car! The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is back with its second season on Netflix and I for one am extremely excited to start binge watching it.

And by “binge watching”, I mean watching an episode and a half tonight before I fall asleep at 10:15pm, then getting back to it sometime in June since my life is jam-packed af. Sh*t, I still haven’t finished Making a Murderer. It’s looking like it’s going to take me longer to watch the series than it took Steve Avery to get out of jail for that first murder!

Therefore, let’s not waste any time and get to an all-new Week in Tweets so I can get back to my Netflix queue!

7) Stephen Harkleroad (@americancrank)

“Why does it have to be so complicated?” overheard talking about the Sheetz touchscreen. This person will probably vote in two weeks.

I would definitely much rather see a Sheetz MTO sandwich become president than any one of the Republican candidates…

6 – tie) Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues)

It turns out being an adult is mostly just Googling symptoms.

Amy Dillon (@amydillon)

70% of parenting is calling someone “buddy” in an increasingly agitated tone.

Wade (@TheWadest)

“Pardon me while I slip into something more comfortable.”

*slips into bathtub filled with mac & cheese*

Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1)

*climbs in wheel barrel*

OK…let’s go!

(me after every meal)

The ~80 hours of “free-time” I have every week are consumed by the following:

  • Eating large amounts of pizza and/or mac & cheese (20%).
  • Complaining that I ate too much pizza and/or mac& cheese (15%).
  • Yelling at my son to stop and listen to me (40%).
  • Punishing my son for not stopping and listening to me when I told him to (15%).
  • Googling ways to get my son to stop and listen to me other than by yelling at him (10%).

5) Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried)

My new gym shorts are so comfortable I’m making the other guys in the weight room uncomfortable.

Whenever I go to the gym before work, the locker room is always hella full of naked old dudes chatting about the day’s news. I’ve never been able to determine if they’ve just finished working out or are getting ready to work out, but I do know that they’re completely naked and they’re in there when I show up and when I leave. Then again, maybe they count walking around with their sacks swingin’ low around their knees as a workout. It’s like kettlebell training without the kettlebell!

4) Christopher O (@ChristopherOhhh)

Man. There is so much pizza here

I’m assuming that this tweet came from heaven…

3) Britt Reints (@missbritt)

If I’ve learned anything from Netflix today it’s that I need to wear more black leather.

I’ll add that to my “Things I’ve Learned from Netflix” list:

  • Wear more black leather.
  • Don’t be f*ckin’ with Harry Potter.
  • Stay out of Medellin, Columbia.
  • Always remember to clear your search history, especially after you searched for “big boobs and butts”.
  • Stay out of Manitowoc County, Wisconsin.

2) Simon Holland (@simoncholland)

They say time heals all wounds but I’m still pretty upset about green apple Skittles.

I feel the same way about the The Matrix Reloaded. Thirteen years later and I still consider it the worst thing to ever happen to me*.

* Second worst thing to happen to me is when my wife discovered that I was searching Netflix for “Showgirls”.

1) Gian D’Oh (@GianDoh)

Patronize small businesses by calling them cute.

I’ve been trying to get the wife to patronize my small business all month but at this point I think I’d actually be fine with her just calling it “cute”…

Below is a pic of Rachel chillaxing on my son’s Marshmallow Mickey Mouse Flip-Open Sofa. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

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The Week in Tweets – March 4, 2016

Another workweek has to come to a blessed close and that means it’s now time to indulge in three things – pizza, beer and sleep! Actually I’m going to have to eschew the latter two of those tonight because I’m planning to wake up early tomorrow to go for a 10-mile run on the Montour Trail. But don’t worry, I’ll be sure to triple up on my pizza intake to make up for up!

After dragging my feet for months, I finally signed up today for the Pittsburgh Half Marathon. Though I’m not super-excited to deal with the hassle of getting to the start line balls-early and then dealing with all the road closures post-race to get home, I am eager to put up a good time since I’ve really been putting up some fast runs lately. In fact, I’m starting to think that I may even have a shot to come in first place*!

Alright enough #runchat, let’s race through an all-new, all-different Week in Tweets!

* As long as there is division representing 37 to 39 year olds named Alex who blog and have great hair, I’m a shoe-in!

9) Chris (@Lokomotiva38)

People ask me why I’m almost 40 and wear camo shorts and I tell them because John Cena does, then I tell them to grow up #wwe #WrestleMania

You can’t go wrong when your personal mantra is WWCN (What Would Cena Do?)!

8) Ham on Wry (@realHamOnWry)  

Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?

Yes! I also think that eating Nestlé crunches should count as an ab workout.

7) PapeяWash© (@PaperWash)

I thought I over heard two people talking about Flint Michigan but it turns out they were discussing the plot of Mad Max

I thought I was watching the movie Idiocracy but it turned out that it was just the last presidential debate…

6) Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots)

My Native American name is Is Pepsi OK

Mine is “He Who Still Hasn’t Finished Watching Making a Murderer”…

5) caitlin (@caitlindiable)

“So Caitlin, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

“With cats.”

I sure know where I want to see myself in five years, and that’s “without cats”. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my two cats. It’s just that I REALLY want to get new living room furniture. But unfortunately I can’t do that until they’re chasing mice in kitty heaven since they refuse to stop using the couch as a friggin’ scratching post.

I routinely clip their nails. I’ve tried dousing the fabric with deterrent spray and applying double-sided tape. I’ve bought them enough Whisker City Skyscrapers to make Dubai jealous. Nothing can stop the damage. And now I’m resigned to just waiting until Bastet calls them up to her kingdom in the sweet hereafter.

A cat’s average life expectancy is 15 years. With Oscar 16 and Rachel 13, I shouldn’t have to wait that much longer. Nevertheless, to help speed things along, I have recently started to encourage them to take up more high-risk hobbies such as smoking, skydiving and white water rafting. They’ve yet to take me up on any of my suggestions, but I’ve got my fingers crossed!

4) Sarcasm (@TheFunnyTeens)

how to have a flat stomach:

・remove all of your organs

If I ever found myself on the Biggest Loser and had the chance to win a ton of money, I would definitely get elective surgery and rid myself of everything that my body doesn’t need to survive. My appendix, coccyx, wisdom teeth and tonsils would all be gone. Hell, I’d even get circumcised again!

3) Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom)

[after 25 mins of scraping wallpaper]

Nevermind, let’s just burn the house down.

Agreed! Not only was every room of our house adorned with wallpaper when we bought it, but some of the ceilings were too! I mean, what kind of person wallpapers a ceiling? Sure, I would freely mutilate myself for money or give cigarettes to a cat, but I would never, never, never wallpaper a ceiling. That’s just immoral!

2) How YOU doin (@jollyrobber)

Just got back from Walmart on a Saturday night, & I now know where the inspiration for the Cantina scene in Star Wars came from.

Just landed on goatse.cx and I now know where the inspiration for the Sarlacc pit in Star Wars came from.

1) Bony Rascal (@jcernelli)

Best nonsexual feelings are taking off bib shorts and taking out contacts.

My ranking of best nonsexual feelings are:

5) Removing contacts
4) Getting to work late but no one notices so you still leave at your normal time
3) Eating waffles
2) Voting
1) Removing pants (in a nonsexual way)

Below is a picture of Oscar taking a break from sharpening his claws on my couch to take a nap on my bed. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

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The Week in Tweets – February 26, 2016

T.G.I. Friday! Let’s get right to an all-new, all-different Week in Tweets!

5) lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren)

where do i write a yelp review for men

Bathroom stall door?

4) Shannon Plush (@shannonplush)

I would like to trade in my body for a newer model. Preferably one that works

I’d also like to do that but the last time I checked Kelley Blue Book, my body’s trade-in value was a negative $100…and that’s with me lying by saying I’m equipped with GPS!

3) Emily King (@EBrownKing)

I am not emotionally ready for the ending of Downton Abbey

I’m really hoping that they continue the series Star Wars-style be releasing a trio of prequel movies. First up…Episode I: The Grantham Menace!

2) Kim Lockhart (@kimlockhartga)

I’m at that age where I admire people because they have good hair

I’m at that age where I admire people because they have ANY hair…

1) Dana (@yay_toast)

Deep dish pizza is in my very near future. so close. so close.

This reminds me of my favorite Whitney Houston song:

I believe that deep dish is our future
Netflix and chill, pizza and cabernet
Better Call Saul binge-ing on a Friday night…

Below is a picture of kitten Rachel. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

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everybody loves…dating advice

Though my son is just a toddler, I still thought it would be a good exercise to write a blog post detailing some “words of wisdom” in regards to dating advice. I began to put some thoughts together and then quickly realized that I’m no longer qualified to cover the subject since I’m:

A) Married
B) Old
C) A dude who counts Sam Malone, R. Kelly and Tucker Max amongst his idols.

    Thankfully my friend and modern-day renaissance woman (educator, baker, runner, whiskey-drinker) Shannon agreed to assist me. Please enjoy her enlightened advisement!

    whale-Girl

    I did a little Googling to see what kind of advice was already out there. I think my favorite tip out there on how to treat a woman was, “Not all of them eat like birds, allot of them can eat like whales” (spelling error their own). I’m not convinced this is a tip on how to treat a woman or how it’s relevant dating advice at all, which is why I find it so amusing.*

    I found vague advice (tell her you love her), outdated advice (when walking on the street, walk on the street side), and downright sexist advice (guys tend to be more logical, so don’t expect her to display male logic). I couldn’t seem to find anything that would actually be helpful if your goal is treating women right in today’s dating world.

    Before I get to the five simple rules I came up with, I’d be remiss if I didn’t first share the caveat that I’m a single, white, 30 year old straight woman. I don’t pretend to know the dating rules for the LGBT community or cultures that follow traditional dating rituals. I hope the rules I’ve come up with translate for all humans, but I want to acknowledge that they may not. Now…onwards!

    Rule #1: Respect her.

    This seems pretty obvious and straightforward, but you’d be surprised about how many men get this wrong. Rather than regale you with an Aretha-worthy lesson on respect, I’d rather show you how easy this is by simply mastering the remaining four rules.

    Rule #2: Believe her when she tells you who she is.

    I can’t think of more frustrating dating experiences than those when men refused to believe me when I shared things about myself. It can be something really simple like telling me I’d like the burger better than the eggplant parm despite the fact I’ve been a vegetarian for 20 years. Or it can also feel pretty serious.

    I’ve spent about 99% of my adult life valuing my independence and exploring new ideas and people without ever feeling the need to be romantically tied to anyone. This was totally my journey and what felt right to me. However, almost every guy who wanted something serious with me tried to convince me that I was lying to myself because I was single—that I really did what a relationship (because apparently that’s all women really want out of life).

    I don’t think they were intentionally trying to be paternalistic, but that’s exactly how it felt. There is no greater way to violate rule #1 than to discount my perspective and replace it with your own.

    Rule #3: Chivalry might be dead, but maybe it’s alive or maybe it’s a zombie.

    I’m not trying to sound afterschool special sappy here, but we’re all unique in our own way. Some women’s view of romance means she expects to be put on a pedestal and treated like a princess. Some women value the effort that goes into showing you care, but don’t necessarily want classic-movie style romance. Some women will tell you not to hold doors for her, and the alternative isn’t slamming them in her face (yes, this happens).

    The alternative is letting her open her own damn door (and—gasp—being comfortable with her holding it for you). Take the time to get to know which woman she is. Basically, what I’m saying is—if you didn’t catch it from my zombie metaphor—chivalry comes in all forms.

    By not respecting how she displays and wants to receive affection, you risk violating rule #1. It might be that you’re not compatible with each other and it’s time to move on. And before you think, “she’s just never had a guy treat her well,” see rule #2.

    Rule #4: Sometimes she is more important than you.

    Women are badasses (co-signed by Obama). We have careers, side hustles, families, friends, dreams, goals, etc. Sometimes that stuff is more important than happy hour with you. Bourbon on the rocks and witty banter won’t get a woman her dream (though bourbon and banter sounds like an okay dream to me…).

    The thing is, you’re probably not trying to date this woman because she’s 100% available, waiting by the phone for you, eager to please. At least, I hope you like her for more than that. You can easily abide by rule #1 here by realizing that the things that attract you to her may also be the things that keep you from her sometimes. And frankly, doesn’t that make you swoon harder (wait, do men swoon?)?

    Rule #5: Read rules #1 through 4 again.

    Frankly, four rules feels like a weird amount, but I couldn’t come up with a fifth because I did such a great job on the first four! So for good measure, read them all again. Really internalize them.

    *I’ve been known to house an entire large pizza by myself in one sitting, so I’m clearly of the whale persuasion. I know you’ve been wondering what that asterisk was all about.

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    The Week in Tweets – December 4, 2015

    TGI Friday! After another week of horrible news stories, let’s take our mind of the fact that this world is swiftly going to heck in a handbasket and enjoy an all-new, all-different, relatively-quick Week in Tweets!

    4) Sam Warmantha (@SamCVW)

    Taco Bell keeps inventing new stuff

    And every invention has the same purpose – to give you diarrhea!!!

    3) christmasey (@SMA5EY)

    I’ve been sitting in my apartment parking lot for 20 mins because I know there’s no burrito waiting inside for me so what’s the point

    That reminds me of the old adage – a house is not a home without a burrito.

    2) Jay Kristoff (@misterkristoff)

    Tip for new writers: Everything is cooler in space. Take the coolest shit you can think of. Put it in space. It just got cooler.

    Coming up next week – The Week in Tweets in Space!!!

    1) G L K (@GASLAMPKILLER) 

    “Cyber Monday
    Giving Tuesday
    Mass Murder Wednesday
    Misinformation Thursday
    Finger Pointing Friday
    Insensitivity Saturday
    Forgetful Sunday”

    Since it’s Finger Pointing Friday, I’m now going to point my finger at my phone, dial up Vocelli and order a couple pizzas to stuff myself with. #LessViolenceMorePizza

    Below is a picture of Rachel in front of our holiday mantle. (photobomb by Spider-Man and Gorilla). Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

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    The Week in Tweets – September 11, 2015

    Alright, I’m heading to a pool party tonight so let’s hurry through this surprisingly political, all-new Week in Tweets so I can get back to doing crunches before I’m shirtless in front of strangers.

    6) bittercup (@SMA5EY)

    What do dreams about your teeth falling out mean

    Sigmund Freud thought that dreaming about your teeth falling out was caused by sexual repression and the desire to be nurtured. I personally think it’s just another disturbing result caused by reckless rollout of Obamacare. #ThanksObama

    5) Gian D’oh (@GianDoh)

    Straight Outta Toilet Paper

    I always preferred this album to the follow-up, Wiperz4Life.

    4) Ötto von Gulosch (@Ottogulosch)

    If a first date involves food, it should always be pizza. Someone that doesn’t want pizza is someone you don’t want. It’s just that simple.

    Just try not to order a large pepperoni because that may be setting expectations too high…

    3) Amanzig (@MediaWaltz)

    The Knot’s brilliant tip to ensure a fun wedding reception: Play danceable music! Wow, thanks. I was just gonna play dirges all night.

    Another brilliant reception tip recommendation – try not to include any poems by Sylvia Plath in the Maid of Honor speech.

    2) meatshirt (@prettysadmostly)

    tired of waiting to be kidnapped then trained to become the ultimate assassin

    #ThanksObamaAgain

    1) lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren)

    in my fantasy football my husband throws the ball to my kid who magically came out of my body without wrecking my vagina

    The Vagina Wreckers now joins One Wipe Sh*t, Pumpkin Spice Davante, Gronk’s Badonkadonk (shout-out @BrassyLibrarian) and Wiperz4Life on my list of favorite fantasy football team names for 2015.

    Below is a pic of Rachel and Oscar snuggling. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

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