Tag Archives: humor

The Week in Tweets – April 22, 2016

Today’s dreary weather and the recent passing of Prince has quelled most of my “Hooray for Friday” excitement. Along with MJ and Madonna, his music left an indelible mark on me as I navigated my way through childhood in the 1980s. I was five when the Little Red Corvette video began heavy rotation on MTV in 1982 and I instantly loved it.

I stayed a pretty big fan of his music up until My Name Is Prince in the early nineties. After that my tastes strayed more towards his R&B progeny (Shai, Boyz II Men and Silk) and hip-hop (The Chronic et al).

Though I hadn’t listened much to his prolific output over the past twenty years, his influence has always been a constant. This continues today more than ever, with artists such as Young Thug, The Weeknd and Chvrches vividly displaying his imprint.

Prince has and will remain a paragon of American culture due to his unparalleled combination of musicianship, showmanship and genre-and-gender bending sex appeal. Whenever you’re done reading through this all-new, all-different Week in Tweets, I implore you to listen to as much Prince music as possible*.

* And don’t forget to check out this classic Chappelle skit that hilariously added to his reputation as an otherworldly badass. Game, blouses…

9) Momo (@pickledino)

Kids can literally poop anywhere and people still keep them around. That’s fucking power.

Not only that, but they’re also uproariously lauded whenever they actually sh*t where they’re supposed to. I mean, how hard is it to sit down and poop in a toilet? No one gives a round of applause after I drop a deuce. In fact, my wife often gets mad at me if I do it in our bathroom before she showers because she says that the steam and the stink combine to form a toxic poo-cloud. Being an adult sucks…

8) peaceful nice dude (@nerddeterrent)

I even hate the things I like

I only hate three things – 1) people with dissimilar views than mine, 2) people with views too similar to mine and 3) omelets.

7) Geeka (@Geeka)

Yay for forgotten purse baklava.

“Forgotten Purse Baklava” is my new favorite phrase. It works just as well as an indie band name (coming to Mr. Smalls this Saturday – Deerhunter with Forgotten Purse Baklava), as it does in a book title (Harry Potter and the Forgotten Purse Baklava). Heck, it evens works as a euphemism for an elderly person’s private parts…

6) Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew)

All these moms in Build-A-Bear keep looking at me like my flask is a bad thing.

As long as it’s not YOU actually building the bear, I think that a little alcohol is perfectly alright!

5) Lauren (@yinzersosmart)

My cat does this cute thing where she drinks too much water then barfs it all up on my bathroom floor.

“Water Barf” is also a wholly believable indie band name!

4) J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling)

I wish I could just favourite emails instead of answering them.

Ditto for voice mails, text messages and any other form of human communication!

3) Julia Gulia (@JRobb773)

My resting face is disgusted yet resigned, like a Law & Order detective who finds another dead body just before the commercial break.

My resting b*tch face is disgusted yet amused, like when Lauren finds a puddle of her cat’s water barf.

2) BrassyLibrarian (@BrassyLibrarian)

Would it be wrong if I just made a bunch of garlic bread tonight and ate it all by myself?

Only if you don’t share it with me!!!

1) Tim (@Playing_Dad)

I have not seen this kind of outpouring of sympathy for a celebrity dying since the last celebrity died

mexican u not (@mrzenitram)

cannot wait for hollywood to cast a white guy as Prince in a movie about his life

If it’s got to be a white guy, my vote is for Channing Tatum. At least he could pull off the assless chaps!

Below is a picture of Oscar from a couple years ago looking fresh af after just getting a haircut. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

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The Week in Tweets – April 15, 2016

It’s Friday and you know what that means – it’s time for pinot noir, caviar, Myanmar and midsized car! The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is back with its second season on Netflix and I for one am extremely excited to start binge watching it.

And by “binge watching”, I mean watching an episode and a half tonight before I fall asleep at 10:15pm, then getting back to it sometime in June since my life is jam-packed af. Sh*t, I still haven’t finished Making a Murderer. It’s looking like it’s going to take me longer to watch the series than it took Steve Avery to get out of jail for that first murder!

Therefore, let’s not waste any time and get to an all-new Week in Tweets so I can get back to my Netflix queue!

7) Stephen Harkleroad (@americancrank)

“Why does it have to be so complicated?” overheard talking about the Sheetz touchscreen. This person will probably vote in two weeks.

I would definitely much rather see a Sheetz MTO sandwich become president than any one of the Republican candidates…

6 – tie) Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues)

It turns out being an adult is mostly just Googling symptoms.

Amy Dillon (@amydillon)

70% of parenting is calling someone “buddy” in an increasingly agitated tone.

Wade (@TheWadest)

“Pardon me while I slip into something more comfortable.”

*slips into bathtub filled with mac & cheese*

Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1)

*climbs in wheel barrel*

OK…let’s go!

(me after every meal)

The ~80 hours of “free-time” I have every week are consumed by the following:

  • Eating large amounts of pizza and/or mac & cheese (20%).
  • Complaining that I ate too much pizza and/or mac& cheese (15%).
  • Yelling at my son to stop and listen to me (40%).
  • Punishing my son for not stopping and listening to me when I told him to (15%).
  • Googling ways to get my son to stop and listen to me other than by yelling at him (10%).

5) Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried)

My new gym shorts are so comfortable I’m making the other guys in the weight room uncomfortable.

Whenever I go to the gym before work, the locker room is always hella full of naked old dudes chatting about the day’s news. I’ve never been able to determine if they’ve just finished working out or are getting ready to work out, but I do know that they’re completely naked and they’re in there when I show up and when I leave. Then again, maybe they count walking around with their sacks swingin’ low around their knees as a workout. It’s like kettlebell training without the kettlebell!

4) Christopher O (@ChristopherOhhh)

Man. There is so much pizza here

I’m assuming that this tweet came from heaven…

3) Britt Reints (@missbritt)

If I’ve learned anything from Netflix today it’s that I need to wear more black leather.

I’ll add that to my “Things I’ve Learned from Netflix” list:

  • Wear more black leather.
  • Don’t be f*ckin’ with Harry Potter.
  • Stay out of Medellin, Columbia.
  • Always remember to clear your search history, especially after you searched for “big boobs and butts”.
  • Stay out of Manitowoc County, Wisconsin.

2) Simon Holland (@simoncholland)

They say time heals all wounds but I’m still pretty upset about green apple Skittles.

I feel the same way about the The Matrix Reloaded. Thirteen years later and I still consider it the worst thing to ever happen to me*.

* Second worst thing to happen to me is when my wife discovered that I was searching Netflix for “Showgirls”.

1) Gian D’Oh (@GianDoh)

Patronize small businesses by calling them cute.

I’ve been trying to get the wife to patronize my small business all month but at this point I think I’d actually be fine with her just calling it “cute”…

Below is a pic of Rachel chillaxing on my son’s Marshmallow Mickey Mouse Flip-Open Sofa. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

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The Week in Tweets – April 8, 2016

Welcome to an all-new Week in Tweets, the first in over a month! Organizing the Pittsburgh Guest Blogger Event and training for the half marathon has left me with very little free time lately to write anything other than my Target shopping list. Today’s post isn’t exactly a Dickensian masterpiece, but at least I got it finished! Let’s get to it!

5) mark (@TheCatWhisprer)

I may have accepted your meeting invite in Outlook but I declined it in my heart.

Along with its out-of-office notifications, I think that it’d be extremely useful if Outlook added an “in-office but extremely disinterested” auto-reply as well…

4) four-one-six (@CityAndFlair)

Replace my blood with coffee!!!

Replacing blood with coffee >>> replacing coffee with blood…

3) Justine R (@RussoJustineA)

I must be psychic because I see a big sandwich in my future

I’m a pessimist and a psychic because I see a half-eaten sandwich in my future!

2) He Made Anime Real (@ughesq)

3:00 is a good time to poop because of how close you get to 4:30 by the time you are done.

Some people say “Sh*t or get off the pot” but I’m like “How about I just sit here and read my phone until it’s 5pm”…

1 – tie) John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets)

I say don’t confirm any Supreme Court nominee unless we know how they’d rule in Batman v. Superman.

ruby (@rubyjnkie)

I feel like everybody should know exactly what they would do for a Klondike bar.

Five questions that every Supreme Court nominee should answer:

5) Who would win in a fight, Batman or Superman?
4) Who’s the best MC, Biggie, Jay-Z or Nas?
3) What would you do for a Klondike bar?
2) Who does number 2 work for?
1) What’s the first rule of Fight Club?

Below is a pic of Oscar relaxing. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

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The Week in Tweets – March 4, 2016

Another workweek has to come to a blessed close and that means it’s now time to indulge in three things – pizza, beer and sleep! Actually I’m going to have to eschew the latter two of those tonight because I’m planning to wake up early tomorrow to go for a 10-mile run on the Montour Trail. But don’t worry, I’ll be sure to triple up on my pizza intake to make up for up!

After dragging my feet for months, I finally signed up today for the Pittsburgh Half Marathon. Though I’m not super-excited to deal with the hassle of getting to the start line balls-early and then dealing with all the road closures post-race to get home, I am eager to put up a good time since I’ve really been putting up some fast runs lately. In fact, I’m starting to think that I may even have a shot to come in first place*!

Alright enough #runchat, let’s race through an all-new, all-different Week in Tweets!

* As long as there is division representing 37 to 39 year olds named Alex who blog and have great hair, I’m a shoe-in!

9) Chris (@Lokomotiva38)

People ask me why I’m almost 40 and wear camo shorts and I tell them because John Cena does, then I tell them to grow up #wwe #WrestleMania

You can’t go wrong when your personal mantra is WWCN (What Would Cena Do?)!

8) Ham on Wry (@realHamOnWry)  

Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?

Yes! I also think that eating Nestlé crunches should count as an ab workout.

7) PapeяWash© (@PaperWash)

I thought I over heard two people talking about Flint Michigan but it turns out they were discussing the plot of Mad Max

I thought I was watching the movie Idiocracy but it turned out that it was just the last presidential debate…

6) Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots)

My Native American name is Is Pepsi OK

Mine is “He Who Still Hasn’t Finished Watching Making a Murderer”…

5) caitlin (@caitlindiable)

“So Caitlin, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

“With cats.”

I sure know where I want to see myself in five years, and that’s “without cats”. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my two cats. It’s just that I REALLY want to get new living room furniture. But unfortunately I can’t do that until they’re chasing mice in kitty heaven since they refuse to stop using the couch as a friggin’ scratching post.

I routinely clip their nails. I’ve tried dousing the fabric with deterrent spray and applying double-sided tape. I’ve bought them enough Whisker City Skyscrapers to make Dubai jealous. Nothing can stop the damage. And now I’m resigned to just waiting until Bastet calls them up to her kingdom in the sweet hereafter.

A cat’s average life expectancy is 15 years. With Oscar 16 and Rachel 13, I shouldn’t have to wait that much longer. Nevertheless, to help speed things along, I have recently started to encourage them to take up more high-risk hobbies such as smoking, skydiving and white water rafting. They’ve yet to take me up on any of my suggestions, but I’ve got my fingers crossed!

4) Sarcasm (@TheFunnyTeens)

how to have a flat stomach:

・remove all of your organs

If I ever found myself on the Biggest Loser and had the chance to win a ton of money, I would definitely get elective surgery and rid myself of everything that my body doesn’t need to survive. My appendix, coccyx, wisdom teeth and tonsils would all be gone. Hell, I’d even get circumcised again!

3) Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom)

[after 25 mins of scraping wallpaper]

Nevermind, let’s just burn the house down.

Agreed! Not only was every room of our house adorned with wallpaper when we bought it, but some of the ceilings were too! I mean, what kind of person wallpapers a ceiling? Sure, I would freely mutilate myself for money or give cigarettes to a cat, but I would never, never, never wallpaper a ceiling. That’s just immoral!

2) How YOU doin (@jollyrobber)

Just got back from Walmart on a Saturday night, & I now know where the inspiration for the Cantina scene in Star Wars came from.

Just landed on goatse.cx and I now know where the inspiration for the Sarlacc pit in Star Wars came from.

1) Bony Rascal (@jcernelli)

Best nonsexual feelings are taking off bib shorts and taking out contacts.

My ranking of best nonsexual feelings are:

5) Removing contacts
4) Getting to work late but no one notices so you still leave at your normal time
3) Eating waffles
2) Voting
1) Removing pants (in a nonsexual way)

Below is a picture of Oscar taking a break from sharpening his claws on my couch to take a nap on my bed. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

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The Week in Tweets – February 26, 2016

T.G.I. Friday! Let’s get right to an all-new, all-different Week in Tweets!

5) lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren)

where do i write a yelp review for men

Bathroom stall door?

4) Shannon Plush (@shannonplush)

I would like to trade in my body for a newer model. Preferably one that works

I’d also like to do that but the last time I checked Kelley Blue Book, my body’s trade-in value was a negative $100…and that’s with me lying by saying I’m equipped with GPS!

3) Emily King (@EBrownKing)

I am not emotionally ready for the ending of Downton Abbey

I’m really hoping that they continue the series Star Wars-style be releasing a trio of prequel movies. First up…Episode I: The Grantham Menace!

2) Kim Lockhart (@kimlockhartga)

I’m at that age where I admire people because they have good hair

I’m at that age where I admire people because they have ANY hair…

1) Dana (@yay_toast)

Deep dish pizza is in my very near future. so close. so close.

This reminds me of my favorite Whitney Houston song:

I believe that deep dish is our future
Netflix and chill, pizza and cabernet
Better Call Saul binge-ing on a Friday night…

Below is a picture of kitten Rachel. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

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The Week in Tweets – February 19, 2016

Hooray for Friday! Now let’s run through an all-new Week in Tweets before my son realizes it’s the weekend and forces me to binge-watch Bubble Guppies…

8) Only Fast Eddie (@OnlyFastEddie)

Only drinking white wine is racist.

Agreed! I strive to remain tolerant to all ethnicities and alcohols.

7) The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork)

If “genitals” didn’t already mean something, it’d be a pretty cool name for a cereal.

Cut to Tony the Tiger exclaiming “Frosted Genitals, they’re grrrrrreat!!!”

6) ilana glazer (@ilazer)

i genuinely think Wendy’s is classy

Forget Breakfast at Tiffany’s, nothing says “sophistication” more than Holly Golightly grabbing a Baconator for Lunch at Wendys!

5) Bécky Wilde Åsh (@AddledPixie)

I told my 12 year old son he left a mess in the living room and he said it wasn’t a mess, it was art. I had no reply & picked it up myself.

I believe it was Gauguin that said “Art is either a plagiarist or a messy kid”…

4) eggva (@EvSchenker)

i love looking through old pictures of myself because even though i’m only a 3 now i used to be a -5 so any change is good change

I recently converted the my personal hotness measurement unit from Celsius to Fahrenheit and I went from a -5 to a 23!!!

3) Just Bill (@WilliamAder)

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a Redbox.

I’m in constant fear that my wife is going to replace me with a Paro!

2) Clowndro (@clowndro)

You are being very wtf and I need you to be lol

idcjk! ily.

1 – tie) spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl)

*gently carrying a burrito in my mouth like a mother cat with her kitten*

Nico Martini (@drnicomartini)

Thank god I don’t have to hunt for my food . . . I don’t even know where tacos live . . .

I don’t know where tacos start their life, but I sure know where they all end up…in my belly!!

Below is a picture of Oscar and Rachel snuggling on the floor. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

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The Week in Tweets – February 5, 2016

Happy Friday yinz! My pizza is getting cold so let’s just skip my usual rambling preamble and get right to an all-new, all-different Week in Tweets!

11 – tie) gene cox (@genecoxrva)

I’m concerned that one of the presidential candidates will win.

Svenn Amish (@amishschool)

My son asked why our kindly old neighbor had to die and I told him God has a plan and part of his plan was to kill Ms. Nussbaum.

I truly want to believe in a higher power but it’s getting really hard to when horrible things like “Grease: Live” and “Donald Trump” keep happening…

10) Amy Dillon (@amydillon)

So You Think You Only Need Two Things From Target

I’ve got a better chance of winning the Hunger Games than I do getting out of Target without any unnecessary purchases. Once I even bought dog food and I don’t even have a dog…

9 – tie) Awesome Todd (@Awesome_Todd)

Sorry I put catnip in your pants before you went to the animal shelter.

Meredith (@PerfectPending)

I grossly underestimated how much KidzBop I’d have to listen to as a parent.

I grossly overestimated how much dog food I could slip into my toddler’s cereal without him noticing and now he won’t eat Cheerios anymore. On the bright side his coat has never been shinier…

8) Jike Spingleton (@DJ5thAce)

I’m definitely prejudiced…against people with stick figure windshield decals

A stick figure family decal is only acceptable is there’s another decal next to it of Calvin peeing on said stick figure family…

7) Valerie (@ValerieGauvain)

I hope the accessories for the new Barbie dolls are just 100K worth of student debt, and a college degree that qualifies you to work retail

Don’t forget to also include a Tumblr fashion blog and their parent’s health insurance card!

6) Jeff (@LIVEFASTDIEAWSM)

I have “X Gon’ Give It To Ya” stuck in my head but I don’t know the words so my brain is doing a version of that bad pantomiming of lyrics.

It’s been awhile since I’ve heard it, but I think the chorus goes:

First we gonna shop
There’s a sale at Kohl’s
On Rachel Ray pots
And scarves from J. Lo
X gon’ give it to ya
He gon’ give it to ya
X gon’ give it to ya
Kohl’s cash get it, booyah

5) Katee Coleman (@kte_did)

Does it mean you’re an adult when your boyfriend’s ex is stalking you on Linked In?

I’m not sure but I do know that she should definitely be endorsed for “creeping”!

4) REW Speedwagon (@therealeatwood)

I only eat chickens that were raised on a farm listening to Rachmaninoff and fed on corn that grew up listening to Tchaikovsky.

Me too! I also require that all my beef, pork and cheese products are never exposed to a Kevin Hart movie.

3) Reckless Behavior (@KV68P)

A bag of peanuts that states that it might contain peanuts is all you need to know about what’s wrong with the world.

Better it states “might contain peanuts” than “might contain penis”…

2) ∀LL∃Y ∁∀T (@deardilettante)

You can find humour in everything if you’re a terrible person.

True dat! And here’s a truly tasteless joke from my childhood that I still feel bad for laughing at upon hearing it waaaay back in 1986:

Question: How do they know what shampoo Challenger-passenger Christa McAuliffe used?

Answer: They found her Head & Shoulders on the beach.

1) Agatha Crispie (@agathagotstoned)

If we dug into the earth’s crust and found out it was really a cheesy crust, that would explain so much

If the Earth’s crust was made of cheese, I would have eaten my way to China by now…

Below is a picture of Oscar doing what he does best…nothing. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

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The Week in Tweets – January 8, 2016

The expression “T.G.I. Friday” has been around since the 1940’s. To replace it with something more hip and current, I’ve come up with three new phrases that express delight about it being the last day of the standard work week:

Friday af.

Yaaaas for Friday.

Friday YEET!

My personal favorite is Friday af, but any are satisfactory. Alright, enough slang editorial, let’s get onto an all-new, all-different Week in Tweets!

6) Shannon Plush (@shannonplush)

An invention that turns your couch into your bed and brushes your teeth/washes your face for you.

If you can engineer it to wipe my butt too, I’ll definitely buy one!

5) Totes Awesome (@FrakkingAwesome)

Tan lines are the literal worst. I better not see anymore f*ckin tan lines in 2016! Or pestilence & famine, but mostly the tan lines…

Agreed! Here’s my updated list of the world’s worst problems:

1) Tan lines
2) Transnational terrorism
3) Climate change
4) People that pronounce expresso with an ‘x’
5) Kyle Ren and the Knights of Ren

4) 3M075 (@SamuelHLowe)

– I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

– And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

You know how some parents get indignant whenever a teacher tells them that their “little angel” has done something wrong? Well, I’m the opposite. I actually have a hard time believing them when they tell me that my son DIDN’T misbehave.

I mean, it’s not like he’s pure evil or anything. He’s just curious and a little bit mischievous…kinda like a Mogwai. And just like a Mogwai, whenever any of the three rules are broken – 1) do not get him wet (he hates baths), 2) don’t try to take away his iPad and 3) never run out of snacks– he can instantly turn into a rampaging Gremlin!

3 – tie) Martin Munson (@wickedimproper)

*hoverboards down the receiving line at a funeral*

Jake Weisman (@weismanjake)

Movies set unrealistic standards for how many dance offs you’ll have in your lifetime

It’s 2016, where’s my hoverboard dance-off?!?!?! #ThanksObama

2 – tie) aly (@WElRDAL)

Since October I’ve gained 10 pounds lmfao fuckin holidays

beezuskiddo (@beezuskiddo)

I was going to resolve to lose weight, but then I forgot and ate a cinnamon roll.

I was also going to resolve to lose weight, but then forgot and ate a cinnamon roll. And then I forgot that I had eaten a cinnamon roll and ate a donut…

1) It’s Kim! (@KimFreakinB)

Ok. Ok. I’ll watch “Making a Murderer”.

I’ve been feeling really left out of the loop since I’ve also not watched the show yet so I’ve resigned to start it tonight. I’m also long overdue in learning how to Dougie…

Below is a picture of kitten Rachel stretching out. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

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The Year in Tweets – 2015

I, for one, am glad that this year is coming to an end. It was pretty much the sh*ttiest year of my life, and worldwide it seemed like not a week went by without a mass public shooting, terrorist attack, or person of color being killed by the po-po. And don’t even get me started on how disappointing ‘True Detective’ Season 2 was…

Despite all this strife and discord, I still managed to tweet out a bunch of gelastic non sequiturs over the past twelve months. I’ve compiled my best thirty-nine tweets below, along with some pics of my buddy Katrina’s dog Loki. He’s an 11-month-old Siberian Heartthrob who’s appropriately named since he’s all about mischief. His hobbies include chasing other puppies at the dog park, eating mud, and stealthily stealing tissues out of the garbage while his Mom isn’t looking.

Have a happy and prosperous 2016 everybody and please enjoy an all-new, all-different Year in Tweets!!!

“found footage” horror movie of me stepping on Legos in the dark…

“waiting for the liquor store to open while wearing a swimsuit” means you’re either having a great day or your life has gone miserably wrong

caprese salads are my favorite salads because they’re not really salads, they’re just f*ckin’ cheese…

Coco Chanel said “before you leave the house, remove one accessory” so i’m taking off my pants…

coffee so strong that it’s a beachbody coach and so hot that none of the other stay-at-home moms want to hang out with it…

current status: planning my lunch while eating my breakfast…

every morning i wake up asking myself the same burning question – “what condo did they end up choosing on House Hunters International?”…

FYI – “going to Target on a Saturday afternoon” is the new “going to the club on a Friday night”…

had a nightmare about Freddy Krueger but instead of trying to kill me, he just kept inviting me to play Candy Crush…

hit snooze so hard on my iPhone 6 that my iPhone 3G felt it…

i ate a big burrito right before bed and then had a nightmare that i ate a little burrito…

i can handle incompetence and backstabbing, but if a coworker doesn’t alert me when there’s free food in the break room, they’re dead to me

i can hear Whitney singing “i believe the children are our future” in my head as i watch my son eat shredded cheddar cheese off the floor…

i have the perfect beachbody because it’s soft, pale yellowish and mostly dry…

i like my coffee like i like my women…strong, hot and furiously challenging the ahistorical conceptions of the patriarchal state…

i really hope that “yelling at old people who are holding up traffic to turn into church” isn’t a sin…

if someone steals my identity, i just hope that they use my gym membership more often than i do…

in high school, i put more thought into deciding what outfit to wear to Kennywood than i did what colleges to apply to…

just pressed Left-Right-Left-Right B, A, Start on my Keurig and now i have unlimited coffee…

most bumper stickers make me cringe but i just saw a one that said “I Love My Grandcat” and i’ve never felt happier to be alive…

my company is holding CPR training tomorrow but i refuse to take part until they get me some better looking coworkers…

my computer must be broke ‘cause i keep hitting the escape key but i’m still here at work…

my toddler is constantly asking questions like “Who’s that?”, “Where are we going?” and “What you really know about the Dirty South?”…

read a Yelp review and someone wrote “Fish tacos so good that I ate the whole meal!” & i’m like “smh b*tch, i eat everything even if it sux”

rollin’ down the street, smokin’ endo, sippin’ on gin and organic, locally sourced, gluten-free juice…

she wants a Victorian that’s haunted by devils; he’s looking for a mid-century modern that’s on the ocean floor…next on HouseHunters…

sings “Jaaay-son DeruuulooOoOo” prior to starting Powerpoint presentation…

smoke break, but instead of a cigarette, i go outside and eat string cheese every hour…

that feeling when the IT guy is working on your computer and he sees that your last Google search was for “marshawn lynch fantasy”…

that’s not a tattoo it’s eczema…

the next episode of “Naked and Afraid” is just me stepping in the scale this morning…

these thin mints aren’t making me thin…

trying to explain to my toddler why he can’t have pizza and ice cream for breakfast and i really can’t come up with any good reasons…

watching Cake Wars and wondering how we can expect humans to live peacefully when delicious desserts can’t even get along…

when i was a kid, going to bed at ten on a Friday would’ve been a punishment, now it feels like a reward…

whenever i travel into the city with my wife to see a show i pray we don’t get shot but if we do i also pray that my son becomes Batman…

yells “REMIX!” at your second wedding…

you know you’ve been watching too much Thomas the Train when you yell “fizzling fireboxes” during sex…

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The Week in Tweets – December 4, 2015

TGI Friday! After another week of horrible news stories, let’s take our mind of the fact that this world is swiftly going to heck in a handbasket and enjoy an all-new, all-different, relatively-quick Week in Tweets!

4) Sam Warmantha (@SamCVW)

Taco Bell keeps inventing new stuff

And every invention has the same purpose – to give you diarrhea!!!

3) christmasey (@SMA5EY)

I’ve been sitting in my apartment parking lot for 20 mins because I know there’s no burrito waiting inside for me so what’s the point

That reminds me of the old adage – a house is not a home without a burrito.

2) Jay Kristoff (@misterkristoff)

Tip for new writers: Everything is cooler in space. Take the coolest shit you can think of. Put it in space. It just got cooler.

Coming up next week – The Week in Tweets in Space!!!

1) G L K (@GASLAMPKILLER) 

“Cyber Monday
Giving Tuesday
Mass Murder Wednesday
Misinformation Thursday
Finger Pointing Friday
Insensitivity Saturday
Forgetful Sunday”

Since it’s Finger Pointing Friday, I’m now going to point my finger at my phone, dial up Vocelli and order a couple pizzas to stuff myself with. #LessViolenceMorePizza

Below is a picture of Rachel in front of our holiday mantle. (photobomb by Spider-Man and Gorilla). Have a wonderful weekend everybody!

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