Tag Archives: humor
September 9, 2016
T.G.I. Friday and T.G.I. Football! Not only does the NFL regular season kick-off in earnest this Sunday, but Heinz Field will really be rockin’ tomorrow when Pitt squares off against PSU in a college football rivalry that’s been dormant for over fifteen years.
My wife is a Penn State grad, whereas I am a University of Pittsburgh alum, so my three-year old son’s loyalties are split down the middle. Will he root for the hometown Panthers, or curry favor with his Mama by cheering on her Nittany Lions?
My prediction is that he’ll sit through about two minutes of the game before yelling for the television channel to be switched over to Nickelodeon. In my son’s eyes, no real-life sporting event can compare with watching The Adventure Bay All-Stars take on the Foggy Bottom Boomers in the Paw Patrol episode “Pups Save a Basketball Game.” Even though he’s seen it 1,273 times, it’s always a nail-biter!!
Alright, enough football (and dog basketball) talk. Let’s get to an all-new, all-different Week in Tweets!
5 – tie) Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist)
a fun thing about being a parent is when people ask “where do you see yourself in 5 yrs?” you can confidently answer “folding laundry”
LIMEARITA PAPI (@arealgdtime)
Bought a shirt instead of doing laundry
I’m almost to the point of laziness where I eschew shopping AND laundering and just stop wearing clothes.
4) Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom)
Establish dominance over the other moms on Facebook by posting 2nd day of school pictures.
The amount of photos taken of kids by their parents these days is astronomically greater than back when I was a child. Personally, I’m averaging about two-thousand pics of my son a year. From birth to high school graduation, I’m going to estimate the number of polaroids taken of me by my parents to be closer to a hundred…total. Does that mean that my parents’ generation didn’t love their kids as much as we do now? Yes. Yes, it does…
3) Simon Holland (@simoncholland)
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
If I ever encounter a magical genie who grants me three wishes, I’m definitely asking for (1) a cure for cancer, (2) world peace, and (3) the ability to eat unlimited breadsticks without ever having to set foot in an Olive Garden.
2) beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien)
If I could have dinner with anybody living or dead I’d pick the dead guy. Then I’d order two dinners and eat both. Fuck that guy. He’s dead
I’m now going to amend my three wishes to include “dinner with dead Abraham Lincoln.” Sorry world peace.
1) Sean’s Ramblings (@seansramblings)
I think that my speed and amount of land covered to prevent my son’s wiffleball from going under a car would rival most MLB outfielders.
There should be a Dad Olympics where fathers can compete in such real-life tests of skill such as:
- preventing balls from rolling under cars
- navigating a packed Target while pushing a shopping cart full of cat litter and carrying a tantrum-throwing toddler who refuses to sit in the child seat
- stepping on Legos and not swearing and/or taking the Lord’s name in vain
Go Pitt! Go Penn State! Go Steelers! Go Sports! Have a wonderful weekend everybody!
August 5, 2016
Hooray for Friday! Here’s my itinerary for the weekend:
Friday – beer and pizza
Saturday – pizza and beer
Sunday – leftover pizza and whatever’s left of the beer
Now that’s my kinda weekend! But before we get to that, let’s run through an all-new, all-different Week in Tweets!!
6 – tie) Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47)
You can’t claim to be a pizza lover until you eat the box cheese.
Nope Jessie (@jessienope)
omg i tried to dip mcnuggets while driving & almost died, i couldve ended up like that cyclist i clipped
Remember three years ago when Detroit Lions WR Nate Burleson broke his arm in a car crash when he took his hands off the wheel to save a pizza from sliding off of his passenger seat. Stories like that put everything into perspective. I mean, imagine if he wasn’t able stop the pizza? How horrible would that have been? #NeverForget
5) Beulah Maud Devaney (@TheNotoriousBMD)
*writes “move location from bed to sofa” on to-do list*
*marks it as done*
*pats self on back*
Number one on my to-do list every day is *wake-up*. Number two is *number two*.
4) aly (@WElRDAL)
I need potatoes in my life
I believe that it was the great Leonardo da Vinci who said “A life without potatoes is no life at all.”
3) cash hew (@CashewSpell)
I am farting all over this target I’M SORRY TARGET
Though farting while shopping is frowned upon in Target, it’s actually mandated at Walmart.
2) Nope Jessie (@jessienope)
my yard brings all the boys to the yard & they’re like “thats a really nice yard” damn right thats a really nice yard i could mow it but nah
Mowing the lawn really sucks. At least that’s what I assume since I pay someone to mow mine for me…
1) leahbron james (@wellthatblowes)
when all else fails, buy a block of muenster and hope for the best
Muenster is not only one of my most favorite cheeses to eat, but I also love the name because it reminds me of the Munsters television show. Below is a list of my other top-ranked cheese names, along with the ones I think are the worst.
Best Cheese Names
Affineur Walo Le Gruyère
Moot-zah-rell (or mozzarella for you non-pisans.)
Brimstone (this cheese sounds tasty as hell!)
Cameo (word up!)
Baronerosso di Capra (sounds like the name of female mafia boss.)
Worst Cheese Names
Brick (how f*cking noncreative is this name?!)
Sonoma Jack (I think I once ate at a crappy restaurant named Sonoma Jack during a layover at LAX.)
Baron Bigod (this sounds like the name of some lame-ass DC Comics supervillain.)
Lemon Fetish (do not Google this one at work.)
Goat Log (sounds like a euphemism for a seriously large piece of poop; used here in an example tweet “sh*t for the 1st time all week and stuffed the toilet with the biggest turd ever! #GOATLOG”)
Below is a picture of Rachel and Oscar settling down for their 14th nap of the day. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!
July 29, 2016
It’s Friday! Let’s get on to an all-new Week in Tweets before we blink ours eyes and it’s time to go back to work!
5) courtney (@CourtneySanto)
Could someone please tell me why the Thong Song is in my head????
Maybe it’s because you like to dance on the hip-hop spots and cruise to the groove like connect the dots?
4) Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz)
If I say “I’m pretty,” it’s not narcissism. I just haven’t quite finished a sentence that will eventually end with “tired.”
3 – tie) katrina (@ohhkatrina)
there have got to be more alternate spellings of “Caitlyn” than any other name in the world. I can’t keep up.
Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass)
You can tell a lot about a person by the name they choose for their baby.
My wife is expecting a baby girl in November and we’ve narrowed it down to four choices – Rose, Dorothy, Sophia or Blanche…
2) WendyDarling (@wendchymes)
I’m gonna open a gym in my home for millennials and charge them to do fitness challenges like-
Swiffer the stairs or empty the dishwasher.
You should also make them pay you to wax your car and paint your house and call it a karate class!
2) Damien Owens (@OwensDamien)
I hear you, Sanders supporters who plan to vote Trump. One time I asked for Coke but they only had Pepsi, so I set fire to my head.
I think that’s what happened to Michael Jackson back in ’84…
1) Hitmonjake (@jake_likes_naps)
*describes my ideal pizza on my dating profiles About Me section*
I also wrote “large pepperoni” in my Match.com About Section but I wasn’t talking ‘bout pizza!!
Below is a Prisma-filtered pic of Oscar and Rachel snuggling. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!
July 8, 2016
T.G.I. Friday!!! I’m rolling into the weekend fresh off a recent trip to Chicago for a family vacation. We had a good time, but as it is whenever you go on a trip with a toddler, it really wasn’t that relaxing of an experience.
As it turns out, going on a vacation with a kid in tow is kind of like getting a salad for dinner. Even if it has the freshest iceberg lettuce, creamiest blue cheese crumbles and most balsamic-est vinaigrette, it still isn’t a Crisp Braised Pork Shank, a Wing-O-Rito or Bang Bang Shrimp Tacos.
Regardless of the fact that my vacation days were less “wasting away in Margaritaville” and more “waking up at 7am to watch Paw Patrol”, we still had a lot of fun. I even found enough downtime to finish Daredevil Season 2, which I started watching wayyy back in March (#SpoilerAlert – Doctor Manhattan is behind everything!).
All right, enough complaining about my #FirstWorldProblems. Let’s get to an all-new, all-different Week in Tweets!
7) Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22)
If sitcoms in the 90’s taught me anything, it’s that a fat guy can marry a hot wife.
Or he can team-up with Jake to solve crimes!
6 – tie) Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective)
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom)
If there’s profession that involves pulling tampons out of a box and scattering them in a hallway, my toddler is going to make us rich.
I’m starting to think that my son is secretly bankrolled by Big Pharma. Whenever he needs a band-aid, he always rips open and discards at least thirty of them onto the bathroom floor before he finds one worthy enough to be applied to his boo-boo.
5) Ian Valentine (@IanValentine11)
I hope all of my teacher friends are having, and will continue to have, a terrible summer vacation.
I was talking to my sister (who’s a middle school principal) last week and she was going on and on about how the rainy weather has really been cutting into her pool days. I responded by telling her that I didn’t even know what the weather was like outside because I spend the majority of my daylight hours IN A WINDOWLESS CUBE FARM. The only things that I’ll be swimming in this summer are pivot tables so she’s definitely not getting any sympathy from me.
4) goose (@bryisms)
Think it’s a nap-in-the-shower kind of day
With what’s been going on in the world lately, it’s becoming a nap-in-the-shower year…
3) ♥ (@SMASEY)
Being fat has saved me from ever experiencing mono, STDs, or teen pregnancy.
The historically low levels of teenage pregnancy is the silver lining of America’s childhood obesity epidemic… #ThanksObama
2) beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien)
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I would be extremely sad if I ordered a pizza and it showed up along with a dead pizza guy. But not so sad that I wouldn’t eat the pizza of course. I mean, I wouldn’t want his death to stand for nothing now would I?
1) gokitty (@goKitty)
Ate some sketchy burrata from the back of my refrigerator. Details to follow.
“Sketchy Burrata” has replaced Nacho Libre as my favorite name for a Mexican wrestler.
Below is a picture of Oscar and Rachel snuggling. Have a wonderful weekend everybody and please be safe out there!
June 17, 2016
It’s the freaking weekend baby and I’m about to have me some fun…at Kennywood! Tomorrow is my wife’s work picnic at “America’s Finest Traditional Amusement Park”, and I am very excited to blow my diet all to hell.
My son is still a little too small to ride much of anything, so my day will just consist of two activities – eating and walking to the next place to eat. My plan is to consume as much fudge, funnel cakes, Golden Nugget Dip-Cones, Dip-n-Dots, corndogs and Potato Patch fries as I can until the button on my jorts pop.
But before I undo every healthy decision that I’ve made all year, let’s get on to a food-centric yet calorie-free installment of the Week in Tweets!
11) Tony (@Tmoney68)
Found an old Big Wheel at a yard sale! The child in me said, “Buy it & ride it!” but the adult in me said, “Buy it, get drunk and ride it!”
The carefree recklessness associated with getting drunk is really similar to being a toddler again…especially if you end up peeing your pants.
10) Chocolate Moose (@moose_chocolate)
Monterrey Jack is my favourite cheese that sounds like it was named after a villain in a low budget Western
Colby and Brie are my favorite cheeses that sound like they were named after a set of fraternal Caucasian twins.
9) ssssss. (@semple42)
Is drunk-running a thing?
It is when you’re seventeen and the cops show up at Zelda’s Greenhouse…
8) Shellz (@HeyoShellz)
[during phone sex]
Him: Are you chewing?
Remember, you can’t spell intercourse without S-C-O-N-E!
7) LTB (@_Tempo11)
Neighbor: You look like you’ve lost weight
Me blushing: Thank you I’ve lost a lot of blood
I’d definitely be at my goal weight if it wasn’t for all this stupid blood…
6) Amy Dillon (@amydillon)
A 7-year-old boy is 80% crashing baby horse limbs and 20% Minecraft facts.
My 3-year old boy is 10% interrogations, 10% tantrums and 80% mac & cheese.
5) Sabina Kid (@SabinaKid)
I have Resting Kind Face. People still try to chat me up when I’m fantasizing about setting them on fire.
I’ve come to the realization that I only have three expressions – resting bitch face, busy bitch face and sleeping bitch face.
4) Nick (@NickC46)
Green tea tastes like it must be good for you.
Much like a visit to my parents’ house, green tea is much more palatable when mixed with a lot of alcohol…
3) The Bice Is Right (@Pro_Jones_)
Waiter: *grating cheese* say when
Waiter: Sir that was the entire block of cheese
Me: *leans in way too close* Go get another
I ordered a Tour of Italy back in March at the Olive Garden and left as the waiter started to grate the cheese over it. I’m thinking that it’s just about time to head back and say “when”…
2) Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer)
If throwing empty bottles of shampoo from the shower to the bathroom trash can were an Olympic sport, I’d be like, maybe a bronze medalist.
If “filling up empty bottles of shampoo with water because you’re too lazy to stop the shower to go get a new one” was an Olympic sport, I’d have more gold medals than Michael Phelps!
1) Jeannie (@JeannieG40)
I have very little in common with people who aren’t me.
Ditto! I also have very little in common with people who aren’t cats.
Speaking of cats, below is a pic of Rachel working on the railroad…all the live-long day. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!
June 3, 2016
Let’s Go Pens! Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get on to an all-new Week in Tweets!
9) Buck4itt (@buck4itt)
We’re all just two or three Instagram filters from being the person we really want to be.
Do Instagram filters work on personalities? I could really benefit from X Pro II putting a nice soft edge on my passive-aggressiveness…
8) mark (@TheCatWhisprer)
Any time I see someone at my job with bad hair or makeup I immediately assume that person is an Undercover Boss.
I used to think that too but unfortunately it always just turns out to be someone from IT…
7) beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien)
There should be a museum of good places to sit.
Yes! My first thought whenever I leave my house to go anywhere is “when can I sit down”.
6) Martin Munson (@wickedimproper)
“Can you hold scissors?”
“Welcome to SuperCuts”
Despite being known as the Arby’s of hair salons, I would have given anything for my parents to have taken me to SuperCuts when I was a kid. Alas, a combination of parsimony and blind faith in his own barbering skills meant that my Dad gave me the majority of my adolescent haircuts.
Compounding the disaster was the fact that I came of age in the 90s. I got to live through everything from the Joey Lawrence bowl cut to the Jaromir Jagr mullet to the shaved lines of Vanilla Ice…temples AND eyebrows! My Mother even joined in on the fun once and gave me a perm.
Though they saved a lot of money by avoiding hair salons, it’s now costing me thousands in therapist bills to deal with the childhood trauma…
5) ♥️ (@SMASEY)
I went into defense mood at this buffet and took every available crab rangoon and now I have entirely too many crab rangoons please help
“Too many crab rangoons” is definitely my new favorite #FirstWorldProblem…
4) Dirt McTurd (@DirtMcTurd)
Remember when people were excited about True Detective season 2, and then it came out LOL
I heard that the plot of True Detective Season 3 involves two neighboring county sheriffs in Arizona (played by Kevin Coster and Jennifer Lopez) joining forces to get to the bottom of whatever the hell True Detective Season 2 was about…
3) The Hay King (@btherr18)
Nothing better than a free cookie, but nothing worse than a bad cookie. On the whole, I don’t know how to feel about this free, bad cookie.
Free food actually don’t have any calories so I recommend that you always eat it regardless!
2) Paul Johnson (@thegoodgreatsby)
“Dance like there’s nobody watching.
Because your dance recital is the same time as your brother’s baseball game and we’re going to that.”
My son is only three so I’ve got a few years before every weekend becomes a continuum of scheduled activities and trust me, I am not looking forward to it. It’s not that I don’t want to support him, I do, I really do, just from afar. It’s the same stance that I take on all of the world’s affairs. I mean, I’m not actually going to vote or volunteer or do anything tangible to make the world a better place, but I am the first one to cheer when something good happens.
1) James Harness (@JamesHarness)
Don’t trust anyone who doesn’t know what it’s like to sleep a whole summer without air conditioning! They don’t know anything.
The best part of being rich is that I can afford for someone other than my Dad to cut my hair. The second is central air…
Below is a picture of Rachel and Oscar face-to-face snuggling. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!
May 20, 2016
Hooray for Friday! Before we all get ready to cheer on the Penguins* tonight, let’s get through an all-new, all-different Week in Tweets!
* While most of you will be watching Pens/Lightning in Game 4 of the NHL Eastern Conference Finals, I’ll be held hostage and forced to watch Happy Feet by my toddler. Though not my first choice in Friday night entertainment, it’s a helluva lot better than the Bubble Guppies. Watching that nonsensical show makes me almost regret having a kid…
3) Jenn Strang (@jennstrang)
Nothing makes me despair for humanity quite like airport fashion.
An airport is basically now just like a Walmart with better security…
2) Dana (@yay_toast)
I would like to timeshare a dog.
I wish there was an Airbnb for pets so that I could have other people pay to let my cats ignore them just like they do me…
1) schrödinger’s hoe (@SMASEY)
When I’m president first fucking law is no god damn landscaping or consultation before 9 am, what is WRONG with you people?
Agreed! I also suggest that you make the following illegal as well:
- using the word “moist”
- clipping your nails at work
- Game of Thrones spoilers
- pleated chinos
- watching Bubble Guppies
Below is a pic of a Rachel ignoring me. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!
May 15, 2016
Here’s a better-late-than-never installment of an all-new, all-different Week in Tweets!
5) Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12)
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Much to my son’s delight, one of his friends from daycare happened to also be at the mall play area this past Friday night. He and my son proceeded to put on a hardcore display of wrestling not seen since the brutality of ECW in the late 2000s.
I was a little concerned at first, but the boys never resorted to any illegal moves (biting, eye-gouging, nut-punching), so the other parents and I never saw any reason to break it up. The boys absolutely loved it, and smiled from ear to ear after every DDT, One Handed Bulldog and People’s Elbow.
Part of me wished that I would have filmed it, but I wisely decided against it since most likely it would have ended up being used against me in a court of law. #BoysWillBeBoys
4) ortuist (@ortuist)
sometimes all it takes to feel better about yourself is a new haircut, a juice cleanse, daily meditation, years of psychoanalysis, a new body
I believe that it was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said “Nothing can bring you peace but pizza” and I strive to live by those words…
3) Candace (@rockcandy87)
I immediately regret eating mac n cheese
I immediately regret NOT eating mac n cheese!
2) Shannon Plush (@shannonplush)
I need to get married so he can take the dog I want on walks when it’s cold so I don’t have to. That’s what husbands do, right?
Yes! However, since my wife and I have cats instead of dogs, my husbandly doody duty is to scoop out the litter box. She used to share this responsibility, but stopped when she became pregnant four years ago due to the risk of toxoplasmosis. She also stopped grocery shopping, making the bed, cooking, vacuuming and cleaning out her hair from the shower drain but I’m not sure if that has anything to do with toxoplasmosis or not…
1) Eva (@evamariex387)
Surround yourself with pizza not negativity.
Now that’s something we can all agree on!
Below is a Rachel selfie. Have a wonderful Sunday everybody!
May 6, 2016
The best part of this weekend already is the fact that I don’t have to wake up at 4:30am to run 13.1 miles in the rain like I did last Sunday. Don’t get me wrong, Pittsburgh Marathon weekend is one of my favorite times of the year. Especially this year since my son won his first medal in the Toddler Trot on Saturday, after which we took advantage of the beautiful weather by meandering around the Strip District and carbo-loading on Bella Notte pizza.
Regardless, sleeping in on the weekend is really just the best thing in the world. Seriously, 90% of the reason that I don’t subscribe to any organized religion is so that I don’t have to worry about waking up for church. I realize that I’m risking eternal damnation, but the idea of my alarm going off at 7:00am on a Sunday morning sounds enough like hell already that I’m willing to risk it.
Alright, enough self-condemnation. Let’s get on to an all-new, all-different Week in Tweets before I’m struck by a bolt of lightning!
5) Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist)
Being an adult is when you always want to be drunk but know you couldn’t handle being any sleepier so you hardly drink at all.
PREACH! I seriously can’t stay awake anymore if I have more than two drinks. Turns out that parenthood is the original roofie…
4) Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses)
Buying new clothes for kids is like putting new clothes on a werewolf just before they transform.
We’ve given up buying nice outfits for our three-year old son. He can’t go five seconds without staining his clothes. I watched him push a handful of dirt down his pants the other day, which was bad enough, but then he dumped a bucket of water on himself. He deemed his fashion invention “mud-derwear”. It’s admittedly a clever title but I don’t really think that Janie and Jack will be calling him anytime for style suggestions…
3) ruby (@rubyjnkie)
One of these days I am going to light my grill and burn my eyebrows clean off.
Sounds cheaper and no less painful than threading!
2) SuperSardonicTart™ (@SardonicTart)
Interviewer: What do you do to feel fulfilled?
Me: Mostly just eat stuff.
I’ll add this one to my list of overdue skill endorsements that need to be added to LinkedIn:
Keeping It Real
Trusting Big Butts and Smiles
1) gokitty (@gokitty)
dear lord gnocchi is filling
“Lord Gnocchi” is my new favorite rap name…
Below is a pic of Oscar sleeping on my bed at night after being worn out from a long day of napping on my couch. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!
April 29, 2016
It’s Pittsburgh Marathon weekend and that means I’ll be spending the majority of my Friday and Saturday praying for good weather when I line up at the start line 7:00am Sunday morning. Currently the forecast is calling for 52⁰ and thunderstorms, which really sucks big donkey balls. Oh well, at least I’m only running the half this year so I’ll only be tortured half as much…
Alright, enough complaining, it’s time for an all-new, um, wait a sec, uh, actually I’m not done with complaining. There’s a clusterf*ck of road/tunnel/bridge construction going on right now in Pittsburgh. Therefore it’s going to take forever-ever to get downtown Saturday afternoon to pick up my race packet and then again Sunday morning for the actual event. I’ll probably end up running the 13.1 miles of my race faster than it will take me to drive the 9.8 miles to get downtown. #SMH
Now that I’m truly done with whining, let’s get on to an all-new, all-different Week in Tweets!
8) Nels (@NelsonIER)
I hate when patients rate their pain a 9 and yet they are just chilling. If your pain is a 9 I want to see some tears and the fetal position
I think that assessing pain on a 1-10 scale is just too broad and subjective. I’d eschew numbers altogether and just ask the patient which Kardashian best describes their discomfort. If they respond with anything other than “Rob”, they’re A-ok…
7) Captain Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES)
The Baha Man never did find out who let the dogs out and yet everyone is pretending everything is okay.
I’m also concerned that Haddaway still doesn’t know what love is…
6 -tie) Salamingia (@salamingia)
Her: so what do you do for fun?
Me: *roars like chewbacca.
Adulthood is just seeing how much you can get done while tired.
At this point in my life if someone asked me “What do you do for fun?” I would definitely have to respond with “sleep”.
5) aly (@WElRDAL)
Deliver to me a banana milkshake
I believe that the full homily is: And lead us not into gas stations, but deliver us a banana milkshake…
4) neckless troglodyte (@boodjaboodja)
my feelings taste like frosted cherry pop tarts
Below is my Pop-Tart feels-o-meter:
Depressed – Unfrosted Brown Sugar Cinnamon
Disappointed – Unfrosted Blueberry
Indifferent – Strawberry
Satisfied – Blueberry
Surprised – Confetti Cupcake
Content – Chocolate Fudge
Overjoyed – S’mores
3 – tie) Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa)
Changing the setting on my camera to portrait to better capture the personality of this cheese.
lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren)
*eats a healthy meal*
good job let’s celebrate
*eats an entire block of cheese*
I once ate an 8oz block of HeluvaGood mozzarella cheese seven years ago and it still ranks as both my proudest and most regrettable achievement.
2) Lawyer Thoughts (@lawyerthoughts)
court: that was beautiful counsel.
me: thank you your honor, that was from Gladiator.
If I was a defense lawyer, I would just keep repeating “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit” and “You can’t handle the truth” over and over again until my client was found innocent.
1-tie) Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier)
I just stretched so hard I time traveled.
Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy)
Fitness instructor: Did you stretch?
*flashback to me struggling to reach the chips on the top shelf at the Mini Mart* “yes”
Along with reaching for chips, I also count putting on my socks, dabbing to Beyoncé’s Lemonade and wiping as acceptable stretches as well!
Below is a picture of Oscar looking stoic af. Have a wonderful weekend everybody and don’t forget to cheer me on Sunday morning in the race! #GoAlexGo
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