The Week in Tweets – June 17, 2016

It’s the freaking weekend baby and I’m about to have me some fun…at Kennywood! Tomorrow is my wife’s work picnic at “America’s Finest Traditional Amusement Park”, and I am very excited to blow my diet all to hell.

My son is still a little too small to ride much of anything, so my day will just consist of two activities – eating and walking to the next place to eat. My plan is to consume as much fudge, funnel cakes, Golden Nugget Dip-Cones, Dip-n-Dots, corndogs and Potato Patch fries as I can until the button on my jorts pop.

But before I undo every healthy decision that I’ve made all year, let’s get on to a food-centric yet calorie-free installment of the Week in Tweets!

11) Tony (@Tmoney68)

Found an old Big Wheel at a yard sale! The child in me said, “Buy it & ride it!” but the adult in me said, “Buy it, get drunk and ride it!”

The carefree recklessness associated with getting drunk is really similar to being a toddler again…especially if you end up peeing your pants.

10) Chocolate Moose (@moose_chocolate)

Monterrey Jack is my favourite cheese that sounds like it was named after a villain in a low budget Western

Colby and Brie are my favorite cheeses that sound like they were named after a set of fraternal Caucasian twins.

9) ssssss. (@semple42)

Is drunk-running a thing?

It is when you’re seventeen and the cops show up at Zelda’s Greenhouse…

8) Shellz (@HeyoShellz)

[during phone sex]

Him: Are you chewing?

Remember, you can’t spell intercourse without S-C-O-N-E!

7) LTB (@_Tempo11)

Neighbor: You look like you’ve lost weight

Me blushing: Thank you I’ve lost a lot of blood

I’d definitely be at my goal weight if it wasn’t for all this stupid blood…

6) Amy Dillon (@amydillon)

A 7-year-old boy is 80% crashing baby horse limbs and 20% Minecraft facts.

My 3-year old boy is 10% interrogations, 10% tantrums and 80% mac & cheese.

5) Sabina Kid (@SabinaKid)

I have Resting Kind Face. People still try to chat me up when I’m fantasizing about setting them on fire.

I’ve come to the realization that I only have three expressions – resting bitch face, busy bitch face and sleeping bitch face.

4) Nick (@NickC46)

Green tea tastes like it must be good for you.

Much like a visit to my parents’ house, green tea is much more palatable when mixed with a lot of alcohol…

3) The Bice Is Right (@Pro_Jones_)

Waiter: *grating cheese* say when




Waiter: Sir that was the entire block of cheese

Me: *leans in way too close* Go get another

I ordered a Tour of Italy back in March at the Olive Garden and left as the waiter started to grate the cheese over it. I’m thinking that it’s just about time to head back and say “when”…

2) Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer)

If throwing empty bottles of shampoo from the shower to the bathroom trash can were an Olympic sport, I’d be like, maybe a bronze medalist.

If “filling up empty bottles of shampoo with water because you’re too lazy to stop the shower to go get a new one” was an Olympic sport, I’d have more gold medals than Michael Phelps!

1) Jeannie (@JeannieG40)

I have very little in common with people who aren’t me.

Ditto! I also have very little in common with people who aren’t cats.

Speaking of cats, below is a pic of Rachel working on the railroad…all the live-long day. Have a wonderful weekend everybody!


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